A letter to you

Hello there. First off, i’d like to start with an explanation. I want you to know that I’ve tried every which way to not be like this. I’ve tried with every ounce of strength to denounce my feelings. To get the hint. I’ve tried to be the proud, hard nosed man I’ve always been. I’ve tried to not show my emotions and to accept that this is it. That you don’t see me the same way anymore. That my own selfish actions have killed every hope of a happy ending. I never dreamed that I would ever feel like this about anyone else. I did love someone once. It was my first love. Time passed by and history was not kind. It did not work out. Part of it was my fault, part of it wasn’t. The one thing I got from all of it was that I was never going to allow myself to hurt like that over someone again. That never again would I open my heart to anybody and allow them to have that power over me. And then I met you. I admit I didn’t have much expectations at first. Part of it was me trying to not feel anymore pain and anguish from my previous experience. I never lied to you though. Even though I knew i would regret it, I would remember telling you time after time that I wasn’t ready for a serious relationship. That I needed more time. I wasn’t lying. I did need time. I wasn’t healed. In this, I was truthful.

I’m sorry if this seems like mindless blabber. These days I’m finding it hard to control my emotions. To maintain my composure. I don’t quite know how to word this. Nor do I know if I’m doing the right thing or not. (I probably am not) I’m finding it hard to articulate my feelings knowing that you’ve had enough of me and no longer view me the same way. But sometimes the pain and anxiety that this has caused me is too much.. The feelings of despair and heartbreak flood me like raging waters. I fight back tears when I think of you. I wish it wasn’t so. I wish I had done the right thing by you. I only know that heartbreak is becoming an all too familiar feeling for me.

When you lose someone you love, you feel pain. I don’t know why on earth I thought that I would be okay with losing you. I don’t know why I thought that losing you would be any different. Because I was cynical about the whole situation. I felt that in the aftermath of my messy breakup, I couldn’t depend on anyone but myself. I thought that nobody would ever be able to help me get over the hurt, that nobody would be enough for me. I don’t know why I thought losing you would  be any less painful.

Lo and behold, you turned in to someone more important to me than I bargained for. You slowly and subtly crept in my feelings. I hurt you and took you for granted countless times. And you still cared for me. I took your heart and your feelings and stepped on them. You didn’t deserve that. I was happy with you and I didn’t know it. Why? I don’t know the answer to that. Because I’m dumb and selfish. And because I was oblivious to what an amazing person you are. I clearly and obviously played myself.. I think in the back of my mind I knew who you were. The special person you are. But I was clearly blind to that fact. You gave me your all. Your deepest and most intimate thoughts. I was too busy thinking of my own self. I thought that I had it under control.That because of my previous experience I was okay losing anyone. That anyone could come in and out of my life just like that because after all, I already knew what pain was. I though that it wouldn’t hurt. That I would be okay. And then you left.

It wasn’t the fact that you rejected me that hurt. It was the fact I got to know you over the course of a year. It was the fact that I shared lots of special moments with you. It was the simple late night conversations. It was the good morning texts you used to send me. It was the little things that you are so good at. It was the fact that you accepted me with the Kilotons of baggage that I carry around. It was the afternoon walks in the park that haunt me. I can’t go back to that place. It’s painful. Without me knowing, all of that caused something in me. When you started to get smart to the fact that I was no good to you and started being distant with me, at first I thought it was okay. That it was your loss. Foolish pride….That’s the type of stuff I was tripping on. But then when I didn’t see you anymore, and I didn’t hear from you anymore, I started to feel empty, lost. Like you were a big part of my life and your absence left a huge void in my soul and in my heart. My friend and confidant, the person that would listen to all of my problems understandingly and without judgement was gone. One day I realized something. I had an epiphany..  That this whole time, this whole year of knowing you, you in fact, caused me to fall in love with you. How do I know this you ask?

You planted a seed. With every sweet gesture, unselfish act, and kind word that you gave to me. I did my best to squash it. To not let it grow. But then one day, a tiny little plant came out of the ground. Before I knew it, I realized that you had made me fall in love with you. That the seed you planted grew. It grew like a rose in the concrete. I was no longer okay with not seeing you. Feelings of deep sorrow and regret immediately overwhelmed me because I did you dirty. All you did was show me love, and all I did was reject it.. And when I realized I couldn’t live without you, it was too late.

I wish with all my heart that I could turn back time. I wish I could go back to when you cared for me so that I could tell you that I cared for you too. So that I could tell you that I love you. That I never wanted to hurt you or let you go. I wish I could tell you how much you meant to me. I know it’s my fault. Maybe that’s why I’m so hurt about it. knowing that I had the power to make you happy, to place you above all else, and I didn’t is a special kind of hurt. I chose my own selfish feelings. I’ll pay for it without a doubt I know. Cause now i’m forced to cheer you on, wish you the best, and to love you.. from a distance.

I don’t know what the future has in store. Nor do I know if i’m doing the right thing (probably not) by insisting and not giving up, but I don’t know how else to manage this. I miss you terribly. And I feel so hurt and upset because of the way I treated you. I am beyond disappointed and disgusted with myself. I wish you would give me another chance, end this nightmare and let me show you that I am capable of loving. That this evil, selfish person is not me.. That I have a heart, and that it is yours.

Javi

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