A letter to you

Hello there. First off, i’d like to start with an explanation. I want you to know that I’ve tried every which way to not be like this. I’ve tried with every ounce of strength to denounce my feelings. To get the hint. I’ve tried to be the proud, hard nosed man I’ve always been. I’ve tried to not show my emotions and to accept that this is it. That you don’t see me the same way anymore. That my own selfish actions have killed every hope of a happy ending. I never dreamed that I would ever feel like this about anyone else. I did love someone once. It was my first love. Time passed by and history was not kind. It did not work out. Part of it was my fault, part of it wasn’t. The one thing I got from all of it was that I was never going to allow myself to hurt like that over someone again. That never again would I open my heart to anybody and allow them to have that power over me. And then I met you. I admit I didn’t have much expectations at first. Part of it was me trying to not feel anymore pain and anguish from my previous experience. I never lied to you though. Even though I knew i would regret it, I would remember telling you time after time that I wasn’t ready for a serious relationship. That I needed more time. I wasn’t lying. I did need time. I wasn’t healed. In this, I was truthful.

I’m sorry if this seems like mindless blabber. These days I’m finding it hard to control my emotions. To maintain my composure. I don’t quite know how to word this. Nor do I know if I’m doing the right thing or not. (I probably am not) I’m finding it hard to articulate my feelings knowing that you’ve had enough of me and no longer view me the same way. But sometimes the pain and anxiety that this has caused me is too much.. The feelings of despair and heartbreak flood me like raging waters. I fight back tears when I think of you. I wish it wasn’t so. I wish I had done the right thing by you. I only know that heartbreak is becoming an all too familiar feeling for me.

When you lose someone you love, you feel pain. I don’t know why on earth I thought that I would be okay with losing you. I don’t know why I thought that losing you would be any different. Because I was cynical about the whole situation. I felt that in the aftermath of my messy breakup, I couldn’t depend on anyone but myself. I thought that nobody would ever be able to help me get over the hurt, that nobody would be enough for me. I don’t know why I thought losing you would  be any less painful.

Lo and behold, you turned in to someone more important to me than I bargained for. You slowly and subtly crept in my feelings. I hurt you and took you for granted countless times. And you still cared for me. I took your heart and your feelings and stepped on them. You didn’t deserve that. I was happy with you and I didn’t know it. Why? I don’t know the answer to that. Because I’m dumb and selfish. And because I was oblivious to what an amazing person you are. I clearly and obviously played myself.. I think in the back of my mind I knew who you were. The special person you are. But I was clearly blind to that fact. You gave me your all. Your deepest and most intimate thoughts. I was too busy thinking of my own self. I thought that I had it under control.That because of my previous experience I was okay losing anyone. That anyone could come in and out of my life just like that because after all, I already knew what pain was. I though that it wouldn’t hurt. That I would be okay. And then you left.

It wasn’t the fact that you rejected me that hurt. It was the fact I got to know you over the course of a year. It was the fact that I shared lots of special moments with you. It was the simple late night conversations. It was the good morning texts you used to send me. It was the little things that you are so good at. It was the fact that you accepted me with the Kilotons of baggage that I carry around. It was the afternoon walks in the park that haunt me. I can’t go back to that place. It’s painful. Without me knowing, all of that caused something in me. When you started to get smart to the fact that I was no good to you and started being distant with me, at first I thought it was okay. That it was your loss. Foolish pride….That’s the type of stuff I was tripping on. But then when I didn’t see you anymore, and I didn’t hear from you anymore, I started to feel empty, lost. Like you were a big part of my life and your absence left a huge void in my soul and in my heart. My friend and confidant, the person that would listen to all of my problems understandingly and without judgement was gone. One day I realized something. I had an epiphany..  That this whole time, this whole year of knowing you, you in fact, caused me to fall in love with you. How do I know this you ask?

You planted a seed. With every sweet gesture, unselfish act, and kind word that you gave to me. I did my best to squash it. To not let it grow. But then one day, a tiny little plant came out of the ground. Before I knew it, I realized that you had made me fall in love with you. That the seed you planted grew. It grew like a rose in the concrete. I was no longer okay with not seeing you. Feelings of deep sorrow and regret immediately overwhelmed me because I did you dirty. All you did was show me love, and all I did was reject it.. And when I realized I couldn’t live without you, it was too late.

I wish with all my heart that I could turn back time. I wish I could go back to when you cared for me so that I could tell you that I cared for you too. So that I could tell you that I love you. That I never wanted to hurt you or let you go. I wish I could tell you how much you meant to me. I know it’s my fault. Maybe that’s why I’m so hurt about it. knowing that I had the power to make you happy, to place you above all else, and I didn’t is a special kind of hurt. I chose my own selfish feelings. I’ll pay for it without a doubt I know. Cause now i’m forced to cheer you on, wish you the best, and to love you.. from a distance.

I don’t know what the future has in store. Nor do I know if i’m doing the right thing (probably not) by insisting and not giving up, but I don’t know how else to manage this. I miss you terribly. And I feel so hurt and upset because of the way I treated you. I am beyond disappointed and disgusted with myself. I wish you would give me another chance, end this nightmare and let me show you that I am capable of loving. That this evil, selfish person is not me.. That I have a heart, and that it is yours.

Javi

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On the road to recovery

It’s amazing to me the way time heals all wounds. It sounds totally cliché, and I’m sure you’ve all heard it many times before, but it’s absolutely true! When we go through a crisis in our lives, whatever the case may be, we tend to start to dwell on the pain. We think we will never get over the hurt, the anger, the loss. We may even start to fall in to destructive habits like alcohol and drug use. Those are dark paths, paths that only lead further into the abyss of anger and despair. But something amazing happens when we change our mindset. When we forgive, trust God and move on for real.

Personally, I really struggle with letting go of things and people that I want, or feel like I need in my life. In my particular situation, I saw all these signs from God telling me to let go, but it was really hard at the moment to have faith that there’s better out there. I think I just didn’t know what “better” was, what it looked like, or when it would come. That frightened me. When we realize and accept the truth, which is that God will never close a door without opening a better one, and we believe it faithfully and wholeheartedly, that is when we begin the path to recovery. I think in my case, I stopped him from closing that door a few times because I felt like I wasn’t strong enough to wander lost, lonely, and hopeless until I find that new door he has opened for me. I was terrified of losing what I had because I didn’t want to feel empty again. I felt that it took so long for me to finally find apparent “happiness”, to finally not feel like something is missing, to finally find someone who understands. I had a ton of questions like, what if I never find it again? What if I never feel alive again? What if I never feel love again?  Having to leave my comfort zone, losing the only person I confided in, the person that I thought was my soul mate, and no longer doing the things that I used to escape and feel good was scary and most of all, painful.

When your comfort zone is no longer comfortable, when the person closest to you is now the person constantly hurting you, and your escape and feel good is now toxic, that is when it’s time to let go. I’m not going to sit here and tell you it’s easy, it’s not. It’s very hard and painful, there will be times when you want to run back to it, to them, but you’re only running back to the same toxicity and negativity. Once God says it’s time for you to move on, it’s time. It won’t get better and the person will never change no matter how hard you pray, no matter what you do, and no matter how hard you try. It’s at that moment where you need to accept the situation and focus one hundred percent on yourself. No one is going to love you like yourself. That’s the time when we have to change, be brave, be strong! It’s the time to find the new opportunities and people that God has waiting for you. You will never find better if you don’t move on, and if you keep going back. Give it time. Give it perspective. Meditate and pray to the Lord and he will guide your life. But most of all, give it time. Time will give you new perspective. God will give you the strength and patience to endure. Trust him, hold on to his hand and he will guide you out of the darkness, and into the light.

Blessings!

 

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Letting go of the unnecessary

So I started a running class in October last year. I went in with no expectations, I just wanted to get back in shape because I found myself at the heaviest weight I’ve ever been in my life, 240 Lbs. I had trouble climbing stairs and playing the game that I love the most, Basketball. I couldn’t run more than twice up and down the court without collapsing in a heap of lost breaths and exhaustion. So I decided to enroll in a running and conditioning class at the local community college. The first day we ran a mile to see our time, mine was a pathetic 11:45. Furthermore, I hadn’t run a mile since high school and long story short, I almost died. I actually injured my foot and had to miss the next class. It was not a good situation. I came back to class after my foot felt better determined, and continued to run. Slowly but surely I was starting to be able to go longer distances until eventually, I was running a 5k twice a week. Something else happened though. I would regularly step on the scale and started to notice my weight was gradually dropping. 240 lbs became 230, 220, 210 I couldn’t believe what I was seeing, I was thrilled! I began to watch my diet a little better and was beginning to feel more and more confident about both running, and losing weight. Fast forward and I am now at 190 pounds and feeling happy about the progress I’ve made. I have to admit, my favorite part about this is that I am now able to fit in to clothes I would have never been able to fit in to when I was at my heaviest weight. The weight continued to drop but I was faced with a new dilemma. Letting go of the unnecessary. You see I was a junk food addict. At my desk at work I always had to have my Red bull, chips, candies you name it I had it. Lunchtime involved going to the nearest fast food joint I could find (which coincidentally are plentiful in my area) and indulging in as many calories as I could. Chik-fil-a, Wendy’s, Burger king, McDonald’s I was making them rich, and making myself fatter and fatter.

I was running 3 to 5 miles per class and was finding it more and more difficult to continue with the poor eating habits, so I changed them. I started to trade the Red bulls for natural fruit smoothies, and the chips and dip with apples, oranges and bananas. Lunchtime calorie fests were exchanged for a small salad (with no dressing). In order for me to continue to have success I needed to let go of the unnecessary. The unnecessary calories and junk food needed to go. I won’t say I don’t struggle, because that’s what this post is all about. The struggle to let go of the things we don’t need. You see, my body and mind thought that if I didn’t have a huge meal for lunch I wasn’t going to be able to make it through the day, when in reality, all those calories and junk were making me MORE tired and groggy. I needed to get rid of the unnecessary.

Another example of me getting rid of the unnecessary: I began to have issues at home. These issues were, believe it or not spilling over in to my social media posts and feeds. Without going in to too much detail, I began to obsess over a certain someone’s Facebook, snap chat and Instagram feeds. I would check that person’s posts before even checking my own notifications, checking to see if I could find out something new or figure out what was happening (I know pathetic right?). Needless to say it was becoming a toxic situation and even more upsetting was that I couldn’t or better said, didn’t want to stop my behavior until one day I had enough. I had enough of the obsessing, stalking and bad vibes so I committed social media suicide. Deleting all forms of social media was tough at first but I must say, it’s been somewhat liberating for me. I no longer obsess over things I can’t control and I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I needed to get rid of the unnecessary.

The point of these long and perhaps a bit drawn out stories is this: Sometimes in order for us to have success in things we want, we have to get rid of the unnecessary. Anything positive that you want to accomplish in life will also come with obstacles specifically designed to block you from doing so. For me the challenges of losing weight and maintaining it, and the challenges of being able to stop obsessing and move on were plagued with obstacles of unnecessary things. Unnecessary things that I didn’t want to let go of. Had I not changed my eating habits, I could have never continued to lose weight and be healthy. Likewise, had I not made the decision to delete my social media, perhaps I would not have been able to heal and begin the process of moving on. Junk food, bad eating habits and obsessing over social media were unnecessary things for me. I googled the definition of the word and it basically means, “not needed”. They were things that I thought I couldn’t live without at some point, but in reality, they were not needed. My body was fine without the junk food, better if you ask me. And the peace and tranquility I achieved by no longer obsessing over social media was absolutely a positive for me. What are the unnecessary things that you have to get rid of? What’s blocking you from achieving your goals, hopes and dreams? It won’t be easy to get rid of things you enjoy or think you can’t live without, but at the end of the day, you can and you will. If I did it, you can do it! Get rid of the unnecessary things in your life, and focus on the necessary. Only you will be able to love yourself enough to do that. Whatever it is in your life you are trying to achieve, block out the bad and stick with the good and you’ll see what a huge difference it will make in the process.

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Change is good

Well here it is. I’ve been cooking this up for a while now, and now that I’m here I don’t know where to start. So I’ll start by simply putting my thoughts for all to see. Life has taken twists and turns as I’m sure it has for everyone. One day you’re on top of the world, and the next day you’re on the bottom looking up, wondering what happened. This was the case for me in 2017 in particular. I remember this time last year thinking how great things were going for me, beautiful wife, good job, wonderful kids, overall nice situation. Fast forward to the beginning of 2018 and let’s just say things have taken a turn. It’s amazing how much we take relationship stability for granted. Apparently all of 2017 I was sleep walking through my relationship. Something that I thought had solid foundations was actually teetering on the edge of the precipice, unbeknownst to me. While I still have the job, the kids and I’m still blessed, I find myself in the middle of a struggle. A struggle to maintain my composure and to make sense of all that’s happening around me. Without going in to too much detail, I’ll say that I find myself on my own now. Sometimes there’s good days, and sometimes there’s bad days but my point is this: When one faces a crisis in their relationship, marriage or life in general, one is forced to evolve as a person, whether they want to or not.

Sometimes things happen in life that make you change as a person.  They make you change your approach and view on certain things. Personally I found that I was living a selfish lifestyle. A lifestyle that cost me dearly. It cost me tears, emotions that I didn’t know I was capable of feeling, and pride. It’s always the pride, particularly for us men. Ultimately, I don’t know if  my selfishness may end up costing me my family, but there’s something else here. Before I went through all my pain and anguish, I never attempted to be a better person. I was stuck in my groove. A groove of apparent satisfaction that I felt I had because I was under the impression that my life was “sooo good”. I thought the beautiful wife, beautiful house, nice car, nice job was enough. I thought I had “made it” when in reality, nothing was further from the truth. Before I knew it, I was on the bottom looking up. But in this personal hell I went through something happened. I slowly began to realize that I was attempting to place the blame on everything and everyone except for me. Denial is not just a river in Africa, and for the longest time (most of my life actually) that was the state I lived in. Denial. It is indeed a tough pill to swallow when you realize that most of your problems could have been avoided had you just done and said the right things.

Get to the point you say! Well the point is this. It’s never too late to change your ways. If you are someone who may be going through something similar, my advice is this. Don’t let your negative situation push you towards more negativity. Change! Change your perspective, change your life. Ask god to put a new heart in you, a loving heart. If you are not a believer, you still have the option and ability to change your view. I believe I would still be stuck in my selfish ways had I not gone through this crisis. Sometimes things like this must happen in order for us to get it in to gear and make serious life choices. It’s never too late to change. Buy those flowers for your spouse you’ve been thinking of. Take that trip, be romantic, write love letters! Hug and kiss your kids, It’s never too late. The only things we can’t escape are death and taxes they say. No matter how dark and hopeless your situation may be, you have the power to change it. And if it’s something you can’t control, then change what you do have control over, yourself.

Out with the old and in with the new!